Row

Earlier today, I was listening to one of my favorite songs: Al Otro Lado del Rio (On The Other Side of The River). It says:

I hear a voice that calls to me,
almost as a sigh :
"Row, Row, Row!
Row, Row, Row!"

In my life, nothing comes as easy. I have been going through all sorts of failures and difficulties (mostly probably because of my own faults. Truly, I am amazed at the miracles and mercies involved in bringing my life up to this point in time. At times when I'm in those darkest pits, I could almost hear a voice saying exactly what Jorge Dexter says, row, row, row. So many tears, and yet, row. Your steps are heavy, and yet, row.

One example I could think of was in December 2007. I was taking this one class and I was forced (truly, FORCED) to write beyond what I was capable of. I turned in my paper, and my professor said it was a mess and I had to redo it. That was the first time in my life that I was in complete blank, did not even know what to think, let alone what to write. Guess what I did? Of course I cried (and it helped). I was given about two hours to finish that paper. Solution: Call it grace. I never remember how I could finish that paper but I did. I remember I said in the email that it was the best I could come up with. Case closed. Lesson learned: Once I know I do my VERY, VERY, VERY best, I don't really care about what a so-called grade anymore.

Row, row, row.

Sometimes people asked (or laughed) why I called that experience a failure -it was just a paper, after all. What was the urgency about a paper? There were many other people who failed in their lives in more miserable ways. Other people failed their work, their marriages, their families, even their whole lives. Why did I cry over just a paper?

A friend of mine once said, there were times that you just could not justify your failure. Failure was something that YOU experienced. Sometimes it was even something that you felt deep inside your self. Sometimes failure would be clear as the summer sky, but sometimes it was completely hidden. Since listening to her words, I learned that I could not take for granted other people's (senses of) failures. I tried to hear others' failures, touch them, smell them, see them as I heard, touched, smelled, and saw my own. The result was appreciation.

Row..row..

Things did not stop with my Dec 2007 paper, of course. My (first) thesis is not done -and I never know when it's going to be done. My (second) thesis is going. How will I finish the two? I have no clue. Feeling failure? completely. Giving up? Not yet. I expect the same mercy, and that voice saying again: row, row, row.


For my Lyndsey N.
You rowed when that voice was telling you to, and that was why you are as happy and successful as you are today. I love you, I'm so proud of you, and I learn from you. Happy graduation day!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_friHwNPno